Negative enabling happens when someone unintentionally supports harmful behavior by shielding a person from the consequences of their actions. Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person enabler psychology becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of. If a loved one brings to your attention that your behavior may not be beneficial to you or the person you’re enabling, take some time to consider it. Enabling happens when you justify or support problematic behaviors in a loved one under the guise that you’re helping them. However, most people who engage in enabling behaviors do so unknowingly.

In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions. Often, enabling starts when a person tries to offer support to someone they care about because they know they are going through a difficult time.

For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem. However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.” “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. That’s easier said than done a lot of times. “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.”

Enabling Overprotective Parenting

It also makes it harder for your loved one to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change. Denying the issue can create challenges for you and your loved one. You reassure them you aren’t concerned, that they don’t drink that much, or otherwise deny there’s an issue. They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly. But the reason for the behavior doesn’t really matter. Your loved one tends to drink way too much when you go out to a restaurant.

Encourage them to get help

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This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. Your resentment may be directed more toward your loved one, toward the situation, both, or even yourself. You might say, “If you spend this money on anything other than rent, I’m not going to give you any more money.”

• Enabling doesn’t mean you support your loved one’s addiction or other behavior.
• You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior.
• “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.”
• If they can rely on their enabler to keep them from facing consequences, it becomes incredibly difficult for them to build a healthier life on their own.
• This behavior is commonly seen in relationships involving addiction, but it can also occur in various other contexts, such as overprotective parenting or dysfunctional workplace dynamics.

Enabling Emotional and Psychological Dependencies

“You have to establish and maintain firm boundaries,” Dr. Borland advises. The more you spend time, energy and financial resources on others, the more effect it can have on your own well-being. There are consequences to our own well-being when we enable others.”

• Not sticking to your word about boundaries and limits
• Do any of the above signs seem similar to patterns that have developed in your relationship with a loved one?
• Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one.
• Codependency may be linked to your past experiences and early relationships.
• An enabler might do things because they fear that things will be worse if they don’t help them in the way that they do.

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Enabling behavior often stems from a place of love, fear, or a sense of responsibility. She specializes in helping those with sleep problems and anxiety disorders. Your compassion plus your boundaries will make the perfect balance for delivering your help, and you just might be planting that first seed towards their recovery. Asking these questions and encouraging thoughtfulness around them is not being stingy with your support. Your support may make all the difference between them spiraling further and starting to climb out.

Feeling resentment

An enabler is a person who allows someone close to them to continue unhealthy or self-destructive patterns of behavior. If this is sounding familiar, it may be time to reassess your role in allowing problematic behaviors to continue. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains.

What Causes Enabling Behavior?

When ‘helping’ others is unhealthy for you, it’s time to set firm boundaries Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways. You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to.

Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. For example, a partner might take on all the household chores and bills because their spouse refuses to contribute, thinking, “If I don’t do it, nothing will get done.” Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person. Instead of learning to budget or manage their finances, the person becomes reliant on the rescuer, continuing the problem and creating an unhealthy dynamic. It keeps both people stuck—one avoiding responsibility and the other carrying more than they should. They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow.

The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. It’s important to take steps to recognize this behavior and correct it by setting boundaries with the person, avoiding making excuses for them, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and encouraging them to get help. Becoming aware of enabling behavior is the first step towards change.

Accidental enablers can use boundaries to stop the cycle. Giving them non-specific help (like money) that doesn’t support a well-defined goal I don’t just mean literally cleaning up their messes (though I’m sure plenty of people do this as a means to “help”).

First is recognizing that you’re contributing to a cycle of enabling. The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time.

There’s often no harm in helping out a loved one financially from time to time if your personal finances allow for it. Enabling doesn’t mean you support your loved one’s addiction or other behavior. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions.

It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. Enabling is very commonly seen in the context of substance abuse, substance use disorders, and addiction. Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved. This stage is often filled with guilt, frustration, and overwhelming stress, but it can also be the first step toward acknowledging the need for change and setting healthier boundaries.